(This post is not sponsored. It was written in August of 2021, well before WW campaign was introduced to me. These opinions and statements are completely my own and not influenced by a company.)
Truth be told, I battled for 10-15 minutes on how to even begin this entry. This is, without a shadow of a doubt, the most personal thing I have ever written. It’s a long journey that is far from over. One that has encountered speed bumps, road blocks, and victories. Like I’m sure many of you, I’ve tried different things and yo-yo’d my way through weight loss and weight gain. I too like many of you, was in the best shape of my life when I was younger. The battle of coming to terms with my weight and the aging process was one that took some considerable time to adjust to. As did learning how to balance my career in food with making healthy choices and indulging at different times too. I by no means have it all figured out. I’m still learning day by day. But what I have learned has helped me come to a better understanding of who I am and become more comfortable in my skin.
Something I have not mentioned on here is that before I started my culinary career, I was fully engulfed in Dance. I had began when I was 3 years old and had fell in love with it entirely during my teen years. 3-4 nights a week, for 3 or more hours at a time, I took several classes for tap, ballet, jazz, and more. I loved being on stage, I loved performing and I wanted nothing more then to continue doing that for years to come. But with that love, came hours and hours of staring at myself in the mirror. Thankfully, I was not at a studio where body image was pushed on us and there wasn’t pressure to be a certain weight. However, most often I put that on myself as did my fellow dancers.
There were no eating disorders, there was no starvation. However there were days of wrapping my thighs in plastic wrap to try and shrink them down. I seemed to not understand that my thighs were muscular from my years of dance, and not fat as my teenage mind thought. I was happy though that I could adjust my weight by 4-6 pounds by watching what I ate within a couple of days. In my mind though, I still thought I could be thinner. Looking back at my 18 year old self now, I wish I could punch her in the face.
As I realized that dance was not a viable career path for me, I entered the world of Culinary. While I escaped the first two years of college without the “Freshman 15” finding me, it caught up the last two years as I entered Penn State. The temptation of late night mozzarella sticks, soda and pints of Ben & Jerry’s proved too tempting sometimes. I was also in the throws of a full blown caffeine addiction, drinking up to 10 full cups of coffee a day with a LOT of sugar in there. I enjoyed those years of complete indulgence, however was still completely aware that those lower digits on the scale kept creeping further away. I could see in the mirror that my body was definitely changing. The muscle that I had built up so much in my legs was there, but not as defined as before. My arms were starting to get the always sexy chicken wing fat.
As my Penn State years came to a close, I was the heaviest I had been at that point. Ironically, the heaviest I had been at that point is literally my goal weight right now. But I knew at that point, something had to be done. I wasn’t happy and it was the first time of sadly many times that I was very uncomfortable in my skin. I was over 15 pounds over where I wanted to be and knew that something had to be done. My family as a whole are not known to be petite, small framed people. I knew where this path would lead if I didn’t take action. I knew my cousin had had a lot of success with Weight Watchers and that my Mom and Dad had gone down that path earlier in life as well. I was game to try and game to commit to some sort of accountability.
I started tracking points, and paying attention to everything I ate. My huge portions were cut down to smaller ones and any kind of sweets were taken completely out of my diet. Coming down off my caffeine addiction, I became aware of how many points were being wasted by how much sugar I was putting in my coffee. Fake sweeteners were out of the question. So I started weening myself off of sugar in my coffee. Within two weeks, I shed 10 pounds by just being accountable of what I ate and cutting an enormous amount of sugar out of my diet. It was official: I was a Weight Watchers believer.
Life continued to create hurdles as life does, and the weight came and went often. It climbed to new heights however when I went to work at Walt Disney World as a restaurant manager. I mean come on… living down by Disney World. How could one not gain weight? People constantly coming to visit, days off playing in the park, working in a high end pizza restaurant. The thought process of “It’ll come off with all of the walking I do” crashed and burned horribly. Working at Walt Disney World had been a dream for me since I was 16 years old. The fact that I was finally getting to live out what I had always wanted meant the world to me. After some very rough months struggling with my mental health including depression and an anxiety disorder, I gave myself license to be happy. The problem is, I gave myself too much license. There was no restraint at all. Anything I wanted, I ate. I was literally heading towards being very “fat and happy”.
Paired with the fact that I was in a relationship that I believed was healthy at the time but turned out to be far from that. I soon found myself completely and utterly miserable with myself. I was buying pant sizes I had never even considered before. And my caffeine addiction came back to haunt me but instead of sugar laden coffees always finding a home in my hand, Diet Coke and Coke Zero did instead. How could you be living at the Happiest Place on Earth and be completely full of self loathing? It became clear to me that all the fun foods and happy attractions could not mask what was going on with myself internally. It was time for a change.
The sodas were cut out completely. Weight Watchers returned in full vengeance. I brought my lunches to work instead of relying on the ever present pizza and pasta that was all too easy to grab when you were busy. I proved that it was possible to lose weight while being surrounded 24/7 by indulgence. However life was about to change drastically and I needed to cling to some sort of accountability.
The relationship I had been in for over 4 years came crashing down. I had been missing my family back North horribly and I made the call to move back up to be closer to my Parents. Everything I knew for the last two years was gone. I could have thrown Weight Watchers out the window and turned back to my clearly not stable relationship with food. However, it gave me some sort of stability when everything else was up in the air. No job, no home of my own, single again and relocating states was a whole fist full of life that I was not prepared for entirely.
Looking back now, I’m proud of how I handled that entire situation. A major building block in who I was an adult and how I handled not only my weight, but my mental health had just been established. For the first time, I really stood my ground with what I wanted out of life and who I wanted to be. I landed a full time management job, bought myself a house and a car and started all over again as a single woman.
Years went by and I fluctuated on Weight Watchers off and on. It always worked and it was always there. Why couldn’t I just stay on it and realize that accountability is what I needed for the type of person I am? After starting my food styling career, meeting Randy and obtaining a hell of a concussion, the weight not only came back, but it doubled down with an extra 15 pounds over my heaviest. Yet again, the utter self loathing returned. I knew and have always known that I was by no means “Heavy” or “Obese”. But thanks to those dance years, I was extremely critical of myself. I by no means am bashing those years. They have provided me with countless amazing memories and two of my closest friends. But like most dancers, it gave me a hypercritical view of my body and looks.
I was constantly in the pursuit of being happy. Not just in life but with myself and my own skin. I was so envious of these women that were so at peace with who they were. There were so many pieces to my puzzle that had put me where I was with my self image. All those years of staring at myself in the mirror and comparing myself to other thinner girls and women had given me a bit of body dysmorphia. The majority of my family, who are all avid eaters, were bigger framed and had more weight on them. Something that was always in the back of my mind was the Type 2 Diabetes that my Fathers, Uncles and soon Brother all dealt with. I didn’t want that. I was determined to fight it off by keeping my weight down. And probably the biggest puzzle piece was the bullying that I had encountered during middle school.
Now, I’m not talking about just some name calling and picking on. I had grown up with two much older brothers that gave me my fair share of teasing, rough housing and picking on. This was next level. Death threats, hate letters, calls to my home telling me how awful I was. All of it stemming from us moving to New Jersey when I was 12. I was the new kid in the class and therefore, hated. This was a Catholic School no less and I had the majority of the entire class making my life a living hell for two straight years. I kept most of it quiet from my parents, thinking there was nothing that could be done. I considered suicide as there was really no other way out in my mind. Most kids would be elated when Friday arrived and they had two days off. All I thought of was the fact that I had to return in two days to the monsters that hated me. Being called everything from ugly, to a lesbian, to being told to kill myself took up the majority of my middle school days.
It took a complete mental breakdown to not only expose to my parents everything that had been going on, but for it to also end. Thankfully, they made the call to yank me out of the school and send me to a public one that many of my dance friends went to. I can confidently say without a doubt that that school saved my life. I went from having absolutely no friends to having a circle that loved me and accepted me. And while life improved significantly after that, my self esteem, mental health and anxiety had been badly, badly bruised. For years, I could not take compliments after receiving them only to find out there was three more insults coming behind them as the compliment was given as a joke. For years, I only saw the flaws and the bad things because that’s what a whole classroom of kids saw. And for years, I ridiculed every bit of myself from my cheeks to my weight and everything in between.
I was my own worst enemy. Something we all are to ourselves at times. But I had no healthy view of myself. The only thing that I liked about me was my loyalty to my friends after having none and my hair. All of those reasons followed me for years through my weight struggle. As I passed through my 20’s and entered my 30’s, I’d always look back at my teenage self and say, “She was hot!”. But the current version of myself was never good enough.
Another issue that I know many former dancers struggle with is the transition of losing that dance time as your main source of working out. When you are younger, you go to dance and do it because you love it. You don’t realize how many calories you are burning or that you are getting cardio in because you see it as just doing something you love. Once that is gone, and you have to start doing actual cardio exercises or lifting weight, something shifts. You realize the weight loss and the muscles don’t come as easily as they used to. And once you don’t see results as quickly as you used to, quite often you give up. I know it has happened to many multiple times over as well as other friends. That transition of coming of age into adulthood and losing that crazy good metabolism is a tough pill to swallow after being an extremely active teenager.
So that high number showed up on my scale after the recovery of a concussion, and at the height of my happiness. I had an amazing job, a wonderful man and life seemed to be in order. I hit an all time low when we went to a New Year’s Eve party that required us to wear black tie attire. I had always wanted to get decked out for a New Year’s Eve event when I was younger. However, when the time came, I was in tears. I was so overweight and additionally dealing with a stomach ulcer, I felt horrible. Never in my life had I ever felt so unattractive.
Yet again Karen, you lost control of yourself and who you are. I was done. I had had it. But this time, I wasn’t going to get back on the rollercoaster. I was going to be the controller.
I turned back to my old friend WW and committed to at least a year of following the program. At this point, the colored plans had come around and I knew I needed a good swift kick in the pants to shake me of my bad habits. The blue plan worked perfectly for me by lining up the things that I ate the most of and keeping me in line. I made some drastic cuts to my sugar intake. And not just sugar in it’s sweet, dessert type form. But my intake of carbs and manufactured, snuck in sugars. I tried to only enjoy naturally existing ones. I monitored how much I ate and realized that I couldn’t eat the same portions or the same things that my amazing better half was. A woman’s body is different. A few biggest loser challenges with our friends motivated me even more to stay focused and stay on track with the Blue Plan.
By the beginning of 2019, I had reached my goal of losing 30 pounds. I was elated! I had finally made it to the place I wanted to be. For the first time in my life, I wore a bathing suit and wasn’t self conscious with my cellulite or my weight. And more importantly, I felt good. As great as I felt though, I was initially terrified of gaining it back and how was I going to maintain it. Sadly it didn’t stay there long as life began moving yet again.
It’s been over 2 years since I hit my goal weight and of course with the pandemic coming in, some weight did creep back on. But I have managed to keep 20 pounds off for over 3 years now thanks to continuing to be on WW and realizing that an active lifestyle not only made me feel better, but it helped me with my mental health as well. For the first time in my entire life, I am comfortable in my own skin. Am I perfect? God no. Am I where I want to be weight wise? Not yet. But I’ve finally learned after all these years to go easier on myself.
I’m continuing on my journey now towards getting that remaining 12 pounds off that I want and hitting the weight goal set for me both for myself and WW. But I’ve already hit goals for myself that I didn’t realize were there all along. I’m finally one of those women that is more comfortable with who she is. Can I improve in areas? Of course I can and I want to continue to always. But I know at my core that I am not what I was told I was when I was younger. I’m allowed to like the person I’ve spent the majority of my life ridiculing. I can accept that although my career revolves around food, it does not have to dictate the relationship I have with it. I also know that I will never be that insanely in shape 18 year old ever again and I am finally at peace with that. That cellulite on the back of my legs, I hate but I accept and know that it’s part of me.
This is the 38 year old version who I think is aging pretty well. All of the past contributions have gotten me where I am today. The Diabetes that runs in my family keeps me healthy and continues to push me with not being content with an overweight version of myself. I want to continue to be a healthy, more aware version of myself. One who makes time for walks and activity. One who realizes that WW has worked for me my whole life because there is nothing off limits. I can try the food that I make or something more guilt laden as long as I stay on track with portions and balancing it with healthier choices later in the week.
This post was not sponsored by WW, and it’s not meant to be a commercial for it. I just know after trying several things, this is what works for me. Additionally, I’m becoming more conscious of what is being added into my foods and trying to be smarter about my choices long term. After 17 years of dance being the main source of activity and never having to work out per say, I’ve finally realized that I have to be a healthier, better version of myself.
Just know that if you are struggling with your weight, mental health or self esteem, you are not alone. We are so much stronger then we give ourselves credit for. Sit back every now and then and think about who you are. And I mean who you REALLY are. What you have lived through, what you have survived, what challenges you’ve faced, what victories you’ve had. Doing that on my end has given me more love, kindness and respect for myself now then I ever have. If this is what this girl has done in 38 years, I can’t wait to see where I’m at down the road. Hope you’ll stick around for the journey.